While on my mission in Los Angeles, I had 3 different areas and 5 different companions during the course of the 18 months I served there. My situation on the mission did not change much compared to that of other missionaries, whose companionships and areas changed what seemed like every transfer. Being consistently consistent, I was able to experience a certain phenomenon with most of my companions that has given me a little bit of insight into the world of love and marriage.
Here's how it goes.
The First Transfer
Meet your companion. You may or may not have heard something about her. She may be new to missionary work or she may be more seasoned and experienced than you in that regard. She might be shy, she might be outgoing, she might be quiet, she might be not-so-quiet. Either way, you really don't actually know what she's really like until you have spent 24 hours a day, 7 days a week within sight and sound of her. You might find out very quickly that there are some characteristics she has you don't appreciate. Depending on her personality, that is also something that might take you a little bit longer to find out. For me at least, the first transfer together is usually a breeze. We are still getting to know each other, and sometimes we are getting to know a new area at the same time. We're learning about each other both the good and the bad, but there's an element of civility there, like how you behave when you converse with a stranger. You see some things you don't love, but you don't let it get to you. It's just the way they are. You get to work, and you work together. Then there's the second transfer.
The Second Transfer
You've been her companion for long enough to know her little quirks and habits. You both start to think that you run the companionship. The little things she does begin to really bug you. A little pride starts to creep in, you see her faults and tell her she needs to change. You let her know in a much harsher way the things she does that bother you, since you're comfortable enough with her that you don't care anymore. You tell her that she smacks her gum too loudly during personal study. You tell her that you think she is too domineering in the lessons you teach together. You tell her she needs to lighten up a little bit because she's too serious all the time. You tell her you feel like she's treating you like a child. You tell her she's being too childish or she's not taking things seriously enough. You've got some problems with your companion, and kneeling beside her at your bedside each night to say your prayers usually includes a round of tears and dispute. For some, you are both willing to yield just enough to work it out and go to bed on good terms. At least until the next night. For others, nothing is worked out and you both go to bed angry and frustrated with how the other person is. The trouble is still there in the morning. Your preparation for the day is more quiet and uncomfortable than usual. You drive to your appointments in a quiet car.
The Third Transfer
You've learned how to work through problems. You've learned how to accept your companion for who she is. You love her more because you know her. You know her strengths and you appreciate her like you never had before. You recognize her weaknesses, but you help her get through them, and you've learned how to do so without seriously offending her. You learn from her. You've taken a long, hard look at yourself during the second transfer and you realize you've got a few things you need to change as well. You're working on it. You laugh together, you rejoice in good news from home together, you cry for bad news from home together, you're there for each other. You rock the lessons you give to investigators because you've learned how to teach together. You know what she's going to say before she even says it. After all, you have literally spent 3,024 of the last 3,024 hours of your life within hearing and seeing distance of her. You have achieved harmony. She is perhaps someone you never would have imagined yourself ever associating with, and now you love her beyond declaration.
The Moral
Being single like I am, this long-term experience has turned into an interesting life lesson -- one that I didn't recognize until I was hurled back into the dating world. First off, I've heard some stories. Being a hair dresser I have ample time to converse with the ladies I've got in my chair. Many of them are married, and a question that regularly arises is "So how did you meet your husband?" On occasion I'll hear this: "Well, I didn't like him at first..." and then they'll continue on to say that as they got to know him they found out that they actually WERE attracted to them, or they actually DID really like them.
Then I hear other stories, these ones a little less pleasant. It doesn't matter if the wives have been married to their husband for 5 months or 5 years, they always say, "Oh my gosh, the first months of marriage was SO HARD." Yep, that's the second transfer. The only difference is that you are allowed to be out of sight and sound of your companion, so the process takes a little longer.
Spencer W. Kimball said "...it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price." There's the key. Both have to be willing to pay the price. Here I am in Provo surrounded by thousands of young, single, eligible, handsome, GOOD men and yet, I'm single. I'm very much okay with it since I'm quite enjoying the freedom that singleness allows but also it's not a surprise when you think about what it takes to get two people married. Seriously, it's quite the feat. First you have to be attracted to the guy. He must be unattached and he must be in the same dating mindset that you are. Then you have to be in a situation to meet him. Then you have to be the kind of girl he is attracted to. Then you have to be in a situation where you can get to know him. Then he has to be the kind of guy you could marry, and vice versa. Then you have to be in a situation where you can REALLY get to know him. This is the hard part. This means that both you and he have to be compatible enough that when you realize a few imperfections about each other that you don't get out of it by just breaking up. I would imagine that this is "the price" that Spencer W. Kimball was talking about. There is a fine line here, though. On the one hand, there are some individuals with whom it would be easier to live with. How do you know if you should move on in search of someone who is more compatible than who you've got? On the other hand, if you truly got to know the person you are dating you would learn to love them despite their flaws. The golden question is, how much effort should be put into making a relationship work?
For me there are some big red flags that could throw a kink into things such as addictions, severe cases of irresponsibility or lack of testimony. In situations like these I realize that I will have to be very careful and prayerful in my evaluation of the individual before I make too hasty of a decision. For the most part though I could probably take my pick of any of the good guys in Provo that share my same standards, find a way to get us stranded on a desert island for a few months, and end up very happily married. It could happen.
