About a year and half ago I first heard a talk by Hugh W Pinnock called "Ten Keys to Successful Dating and Marriage" that was given at a CES Fireside in the Marriott Center at BYU. One of his key points was that of keeping in confidence. In his talk he specifically mentions that we are never to turn to a third party in time of marital trouble unless it is to the Bishop or Branch President.
"Never ever, never ever, confide your marriage troubles to a third party, no, not even to your closest friend. He or she may be the first to tell your troubles to another, becoming the one to hurt you most severely. Lean on the Savior and rely upon your bishop and your stake president. Remember that because, as the years quickly come and go, there will be stressful times when you will need to talk to someone. Remember who it should be."
Because marriage is such an eternally binding contract this is of utmost importance. If marital issues arise the Bishop should be informed and his guidance sought after. Because I am not married, however, I have wondered to what extent it should be applied to my dating relationships and even relationships with my friends and family. Obviously the Bishop will not need to be involved unless serious transgression has occurred. I am referring more to the confidence part of it.
Human nature is such that we always want to know every juicy little detail about any relationship. For some strange reason humans love any kind of drama that occurs between any two or more people be it good or bad. For example any time I get home from a date and find my roommates at home they immediately want to know everything about it. This is not necessarily a bad thing, especially if the date went well. When things start to escalate with a particular boy I don't see any problem in telling anyone about it. However, there are certain aspects of close relationships that are private and should remain such. For whatever reason those seem to be the hardest secrets to keep to ourselves. So the question we must ask ourselves is "Where is the line between information that should be kept private and information that is okay to share?"
When a friend shares something with me I can usually determine if they are sharing it in confidence without them having to say "Don't tell anyone".
There are different relationships where this can occur:
- In a relationship with an acquaintance
- In a relationship with a close friend or family member
- In a dating relationship
In our relationships with our close friends and family members sometimes we just need to talk about things to someone. I can't count the number of times that either I have spoken with someone about my frustrations with someone else or someone has spoken to me about their frustrations with someone else. I also can't count the times that I have sat in a group setting and spoken about the faults or unfortunate situations of others not present. If they were there we certainly wouldn't be having the conversation because it usually displayed that person in a negative light. Why do we do this?
In a dating relationship family and friends always want to be informed on the progress of the relationship. This is a tricky one for me. I was once dating this guy who never told his family anything about our relationship. He was very close with his family and would take me to see them regularly, but whenever he was asked by his family about the status of our relationship or how things were going he would either say "it's good" or avoid the question altogether. He told them things about me such as that I had served a mission and that I was from Hurricane, but never anything that was only between him and I. The only clues they had to how things were going were how we behaved toward each other when we were around them. At first when he told me that his family knew nothing I was a little bit skeptical. I wondered if he was actually telling me the truth because I myself hadn't afforded him the same treatment. As things progressed, however, I came to find out that he was indeed being honest. His parents and siblings didn't know a thing. I wouldn't have minded had he been more open with his family because things were good and there was nothing bad to tell. But as we approached a breakup when we knew things weren't going to work out, I had so much trust in him still that I wasn't afraid my reputation would be tainted with his family. If he wasn't going to tell them that things were good things he certainly wasn't going to tell them the bad. I could rest easy and know that if I ever ran into his family on the street they would still have the same impression of me as they did when we were dating. Good thing for me I never gave them any reason to think poorly of me.
Now, I don't mean to suggest that we shouldn't tell anyone good things about those we date. In fact I wish the world would speak more highly of one another. Camilla Kimball once said that we should "never suppress a generous thought". I would encourage all good things to be acknowledged and spoken. Kind words can only do good, but unkind words can only damage others, whether it be their self esteem or their reputation.
And why do we need to know who broke up with who anyway? In my recent breakup it seemed that that was the question I got most often. Does it really matter? If he broke up with me then I am thoroughly humiliated when I admit it. I'm a loser and inadequate; not up to standard. I'm a failure. That is if I don't give in to the temptation to lie about it to save face. "It was mutual" I would say. If the answer is that I was actually the one that broke up with him, that prompts the question from the asker, "why?" and the door is opened to spill all the juicy details of another's faults that humans love so much to hear. When the news of a breakup is heard, perhaps a better question to ask is, "what happened?" This will allow the questioned party to answer in a sensitive way if they choose to do so.
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